My testimony
Last Sunday night I came to godly repentance over the offenses I have committed, and vowed to live according to God’s will. I’m posting this in the hope that it may be of help to somebody in a similar situation. I am speaking specifically to people like past members of this forum McKenna, and Dan, and any others who yearn to find Christ, but encounter difficulty. May God bless you, and guide you to the truth. Coming to repentance can be daunting. It is unique to each individual, and while it’s useful to be able to read the testimony of others, it may not make sense to you until it actually happens. For me at least, the truly wonderful things about repentance are twofold. One: it breaks one from the ruinous materialistic cycle of idol worship through the grace of bowing down to the higher Authority, with whom no man can contend. Second: It becomes clear that repentance is only one step of many on the path toward working for the Kingdom of God.
2 Timothy 3:7- Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.
This passage is very applicable to my life story. I’ve had to deal with walls built mainly of pride, arrogance, lust, and deceit. While I knew intellectually that repentance is a gift of God through faith, I kept trying to make it happen through my own efforts, while repentance is not at all intellectual. In recent months I had been learning as much as I could regarding scripture, Jesus Christ, and the world at large. Although I studied and discussed and studied even more, all I ended up understanding was that I didn’t understand. The world was too big, too complicated, too dirty. God’s Law was too strict, too punishing, too unreachable. I realized: You can’t do it on your own! You really can’t. No matter your inborn abilities, your luck-of-the-draw, your circle of friends, your school or church teachers, your riches. You can’t do it. You will fail. Your abilities aren’t good enough, your friends aren’t honest enough, your luck will fail, your teachers will err, your riches will lead you to idolatry, you will sin.
Galatians 5:19-21- Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.
Truly, as is written in Galatians, the works of the flesh are strife, and I have been immersed in strife for as long as I can remember. I was 3 years old when my brother was born, and from that day on I strove with him for parental affection. I resented him as I perceived he was happier, kindlier, more honest and more deserving of praise. Originally, according to my mother, I was a gentle, quiet and meek child. That meekness remained with me, at least when my brother wasn’t around, until puberty hit. I was teased in school for being too meek and too quiet, but gained muscle mass during puberty, after which these same kids who teased me suddenly wanted to befriend me. I rebuffed their advances, and I thank God that I was able to reject their worldliness.
My father was police, and he instilled in me a firm ambivalence toward authority, always exhorting my brother and I to question our school teachers, the police, the government: any and everybody before believing anything. Partially as a result of this teaching, I was in a state of constant rebellion against my teachers. This led in turn to feelings of pride and superiority over them. Though my innate nature and parental guidance kept me somewhat in check, I became increasingly contentious, toward my family, friends, and outsiders alike. As a child, I used to feel ashamed of my bad behavior. As a teenager I was more disappointed with myself than ashamed. As an adult, I mostly left shame by the roadside. As a result of my upbringing, it has been incredibly hard for me to admit weakness or show emotion in front of others. I am guessing that some who read this may have similar experiences.
Attending college in California, I was only ever interested in ceramics, sculpture, and photography classes. Indeed, the act of creating something with my hands has always been hugely attractive, and I took to it from around the age of 3 or 4. Yet, while I’ve always loved creating material things, I’ve also always been ambivalent of my fellow craftsmen. They usually place such a premium of importance on their material creations, whilst I paradoxically felt that these works had no intrinsic value. I generally eschewed the more artistic and cerebral works, focusing on utilitarian products. For example, we need chairs in which to sit. These chairs need to be comfortable. Good chair design therefore is how to make a useful, comfortable piece that is durable. Personal hubris doesn’t enter into the design equation. Another example: We need to eat. The challenge is to make a bowl which holds food and fits well in the hand. We shouldn’t worry that it may break someday. It’s very practical: personal hubris doesn’t enter into the design.
Galatians 5:22,23- But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.
The fruit of the Spirit is not material, it is spiritual. Last Sunday, I finally came to terms with this lifelong nagging question through the epiphany: I myself am naught but a thing, made by the hand of God, for the purpose of doing God’s work. Whatsoever perceived skill, ability, or luck which I possess, is not of my making, but is a gift to me from God, for which I give thanks. Whatsoever is made through my hands, let it be made for the advancement of the kingdom. What happened Sunday night is this:
My friend was sitting across from me in the dark in my newly-acquired home in the countryside. The means by which I acquired this home is peculiar. One night a few weeks ago, she had prayed to God, as she had been praying for some time, to guide me, bless me, and this time, to help me find a place to live. I had no knowledge that she had been praying this way; I only learned about it later on. Anyhow, the next day I announced my desire to go and search for a house. She agreed to meet up, and we drove out to an area I’d been looking at and by chance there was an elderly man standing on the street side. We stopped and asked him about the owner of an empty house I’d spotted nearby, and he knew the owner and agreed to introduce us to him. Upon meeting this house owner, I shortly asked him “May I have this house?” to which he readily replied “If you will use it, then sure.” “For how much?” I asked. And he answered “Just take it.”
Going back to Sunday night: This was the second night in a row that she visited for conversation, and neither time had I expected her to pay a visit. Both times she prayed for me, and through the strength of her faith and prayer, and by the grace of God, I realized the depth of my sins; the sacrifice and glory of Christ, the hopelessness of my position. For the first time in 22 years the wall of pride came down, and I bawled my heart out in front of another human being, and for the first time in my life I came to godly repentance, and vowed to be used as God wills me.
My suggestion to any who are trying to reach out to Christ is this: Stop trying. Surrender everything you have, everything you are, and submit. Knowledge of the Law has brought you to Christ, and faith will take you the rest of the way. If you have anything of monetary value, consider selling. If you have an unfulfilling job, consider quitting. Pray for God to remove your pride. Make a clean cut with the mistakes of your past. Do you have a warm bed and plenty of food? It may be that your comfort is getting in the way. After all, contrition doesn’t come naturally to the rich man. Remove the stumbling blocks in the way of becoming childlike at heart. Put your life and your faith wholly in His hands, and beg Him for guidance. The sins of your past will be forgiven.
Matthew 19:23- Then Jesus said unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.
Romans 14:13- Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother’s way.
Matthew 18:3 Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.
Hebrews 9:14- How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?
Psalms 34:18- The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
That’s my testimony, for what it’s worth.
