Hi, my name is Anna.
Hi Anna. I think I've seen you somewhere before.
Before I continue, I should disclose that Anna and I have been talking and fellowshipping online for the past couple of months, so I'm already familiar with some of her story. I also know where she lives (her city, I mean!), but she can disclose that when she's ready. I've recently encouraged her to join CLE, since she doesn't have a good church (house, building, any kind really) where she lives. If she did have that, she wouldn't need the fellowship here the same, although more fellowship with other believers never hurts. Anyway, a very warm welcome to you, Anna. I'm glad you've been able to make it. CLE has been a real blessing to me since I joined it six months ago, and I'm sure it will be for you too (well, you've already been blessed by some of the teachings). Before I dive deeper into your introduction, I want to echo one of Ellie's observations: your introductory post is permeated by a humility that indicates a truly repentant heart. Even if I had not already made your acquaintance previously, and this had been my first introduction to you, that humility (which I've already seen in you before) would have given me confidence that you are born again.
With those initial remarks out of the way, I'm now going to comment on a few specific aspects of your post. For the most part, I'll concentrate on those aspects of your story that I didn't know about, and won't comment so much on what I've known previously, unless I think I can make an observation that's of general benefit to all.
I was raised in a non-Christian family, and I never went to church when I was growing up. My dad was/is an atheist. When I was growing up my mother believed in Jesus in the false Anglican/Catholic church-state sense (which was the predominant culture in England at the time), and I suspect she would have mistakenly believed herself to be a Christian. She was also influenced by the occult, and she later followed this path fully – it grieves me that she has followed the teachings of ‘A Course in Miracles’ for over 20 years now. My elder sister is a doctor who (I think still) believes in evolution and the big bang, and appears to adhere strongly to the world’s systems/wisdom/knowledge.
I can see how your mother's beliefs had an influence on you for both better and worse. At least you had some exposure to Biblical ideas, which kind of laid a foundation for later, but of course her interest in the occult would have influenced your subsequent dabblings as a teenager. It's certainly very sad that she has become so immersed in
A Course in Miracles, which as I'm sure you know, has been demonically channelled. My own mother was heavily opposed to all things occult (which certainly helped me stay away from it), yet in more recent years, she has taken an interest in the "Jesus Calling" books. She has two of them, and they too are demonically channelled. I have tried to warn her about them, but as with anything I warn her about, she doesn't want to listen.
Interesting that your sister is a doctor. I suppose that would make her a big believer in the COVID-19 vaccines, although there are some doctors who are sceptical. Given her overall beliefs though, it seems highly likely that she would be pro-vaccine.
Looking back, I think one of the great blessings I had in my childhood in England was that Christianity (although the false church-state version I mentioned above) was clearly visible in the direct culture around me, which enabled me to get a very general understanding about Jesus early on. I can honestly say that I always believed that Jesus was the Son of God, and I never doubted that as a child. (I do believe that if someone had explained correct doctrine and repentance to me then, that I would likely have been born-again at a young age.)
I find this quite relatable, because as a child, I also believed, without doubting, that Jesus is the Son of God, and that He died and rose again. That was less to do with the culture though (which was already quite secular), and more with my mother's influence. However, I also used to believe in Santa Claus without doubting for quite a few of my younger years, and I certainly wasn't born again back then. But while I obviously stopped believing in Santa as I got older, I don't think I ever wavered in believing the right things about Jesus. The key problem I had was the lack of repentance.
I had a spiritual yearning from a young age, and in my teenage years I tried to fill this need by going into occult areas. As I see now, this was already in my family from my mother’s side. I experimented with a number of New Age beliefs over these years.
I also started to have what the world would call ‘issues’. I was depressed often, attempted suicide when I was about 19, had a drinking problem for a good few years, and also did quite a bit of self-harm.
As I'm sure you would understand now, getting involved in New Age and occult practices, even just experimenting or dabbling, opens you up to all manner of demonic influences. The devils that were able to gain access to you at this time undoubtedly caused your issues. Indeed, if you read about the behaviour of devils in the Bible (and the Gospels especially), you will see some of these exact same behaviours. For example, the man possessed by "Legion" cut himself with stones (self-harm). And when all his devils were cast out of him and entered a herd of nearby pigs, they caused those pigs to commit suicide. Praise God for His mercy that your own suicide attempt was unsuccessful!
One day during this period, I was part of a seemingly innocent conversation, when something a person said convicted me of a specific sin that I’d committed. An instant, deep and profound sense of shame and dirtiness came on me – from that moment on – and stayed with me for years. Nothing I tried to think or believe or do or say would take it away: from then on, a sense of shame and dirtiness was constantly with me.
Do you know whether this person was a Christian? I suppose though that if He so wishes, God can use even the words of non-Christians to convict us sometimes. In any case, it sounds like perhaps a seed of repentance was planted in your heart at that moment.
Then in my early twenties I started to feel Jesus call me. It was like He put a magnet on my heart – I just felt Him drawing me to Him. Both directly, i.e. I could sense His presence, and indirectly, i.e. through some Christians that He put around me at the time. Interestingly, again, I never doubted He was real. My problem was in my heart – my problem was in responding and submitting myself to Him in humility. I kept pushing Him away in my pride for a number of years – I remember saying things like ‘Go away! I don’t need you! Christianity is for losers! I’m not a loser!’
I'm sure that you were being drawn through the witness of those Christians in particular. Without realising it, they were probably watering the seed that had been unknowingly planted in your heart by that other person a few years earlier. I can very much relate to the heart problem you had, especially the "responding and submitting myself to Him in humility". Pride was a big problem for me too, although another issue I had was idols in my heart, and a desire to hang on to certain pet sins.
Of course, the truth is that I really was a loser. And one day, when I was 26, I just had no will left inside to lie to myself or God about that anymore. I’d just come to the end of myself. I didn’t have the Christian language of calling myself ‘a sinner’. I’d never heard of ‘the sinner’s prayer’ or any other ‘Christianese’. All I knew is that I was filled with deep pain, shame, and remorse for my life – and I needed and wanted God. I didn’t want to go on any longer without Him. I hated who I was, and I hated how I’d lived my life.
You sound a little bit like Job when he said that he abhorred himself (see Job 42:6). I remember feeling a similar self-loathing and disgust back in September 2011. One verse that particularly convicted me back then was 2 Timothy 2:19,
Nevertheless the foundation of God standeth sure, having this seal, The Lord knoweth them that are his. And, Let every one that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity. I was very conscious of just how full of iniquity I was, and it sounds like you had a similar understanding at that time.
And it was in this state that I finally surrendered myself to Jesus. It was a sincere and intimate interaction just between me and Him. I was filled with a deep joy and peace that I’d never experienced before. My life suddenly had the meaning and purpose I’d always craved, and all I wanted to do was be with Jesus, and serve Him all my life from that moment forward.
When you say you surrendered yourself to Jesus, you definitely believed on Him in that moment - that is, on the sufficiency of His shed blood on the cross to redeem you and wash away all your sins? Just want to make sure of that. At any rate though, it is clear that you experienced a profound change in your heart that I reckon could only come from being born again. In particular, that desire to serve Christ indicates that you had been made a new creature in Him.
After a while, I started to deeply crave fellowship with other Christians. So, I did what I thought was the right thing to do, and entered the mainstream church system.
Because of a woman who I knew at the time (who, when looking back, was clearly not born-again) I started going to a Pentecostal church, as well as occasionally visiting an Anglican church nearby. After a few years I moved to a large non-denominational church where I stayed for about three years. My life at this time revolved heavily around this church: I loved serving (I mistakenly thought I was Biblically serving God at the time, though I know now that some of the activities I was involved in were unbiblical) and I loved the sense of finally belonging to a church family who (I thought at the time) genuinely loved me.
The desire you had for fellowship with other Christians is another sign of you having been made a new creature. When we're lost and of the world, we want to associate with those of like mind. Then after being born again, we want to associate with people who are of the same spirit and mind as us. However, when you're born again, you become a sort of "spiritual baby" and have a lot of learning and growing to do. So I can see how some of that spiritual immaturity would have led you into those leavened churches. But your love of serving, even though some of it wasn't the right kind, is another indication of your new nature.
I was an extremely naïve and very immature girl (even for my age). I thought everyone who called themselves a Christian, truly was a Christian. I generally assumed that every regular churchgoer was born-again. I was so naively trusting, and for the most part (though I had a few doctrinal questions), I obediently believed what I was taught within the mainstream church. Looking back, I can see the doctrine I was being taught was very leavened, and to my shame I had readily accepted a lot of false ‘New Age Christianity’ teachings, whilst at the same time genuinely believing that I was living a sanctified Christian life.
I think this was part of the spiritual immaturity that I referred to in my previous paragraph. You didn't have very good discernment yet. I used to be similarly naïve, especially in my teenage years and 20s. I didn't go to church all that much, but I used to listen regularly to the leavened Radio Rhema and take a lot of what I heard on there as gospel truth. Of course, there was
some truth on there, but an enormous amount of false doctrine too. I'm sure that most of the false doctrine on Rhema reflects the same false doctrine of the mainstream churches.
Then, after about seven years as a Christian, God put me through the greatest test that I’d been through. I experienced rejection/disconnection from the most important relationships in my life within a short period of time: my pastor, my ‘spiritual mentor/mother’, a close friend, and the man who I had wanted to marry, as well as others. It was one relationship after the other. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I had made some of the people in my life idols in my heart.
Sooner or later, God allows Satan to test us (see the first two chapters of Job) and sift us as wheat, as Jesus said to Peter in Luke 22:31. I think that's what happened to you. I am sort of reminded of stuff that happened to me in 2015, when someone I really liked turned out to be a heretic. But also at that time, a few other friendships went by the wayside, and a preacher I liked listening to was conclusively exposed as a Diotrephes, and it just seemed like the world as I knew it fell apart in various ways. In a way though, it's a little like what happened to Job, when he suddenly experienced one calamity after another. I think that if the Devil is given permission to attack us, he does his best to overwhelm us.
I moved to a smaller city, withdrew contact from most of my friends and became very depressed. I can honestly say that this happened because of my wicked self-obsession and willful disobedience to God’s word: I let my deep anger and bitterness – along with my emotions – consume and rule my life, my thoughts, and my decisions at this time. I stopped reading the Bible (though I read the corrupt NIV at the time, which I know now is not the word of God), I stopped attending church, and I generally stopped interacting with Christians.
And instead of turning to God for His comfort as I had always done previously, I turned away from Him.
I can relate to the anger and bitterness, withdrawing from people, not reading the Bible and not interacting with Christians after my own shocks of 2015. However, in my particular case, I ended up developing a gaming addiction for a while. That became my "drug" to numb the pain. It wasn't quite the only "drug", but it was the most significant in that it was what I spent (or rather wasted) the most time on. I made the exact same mistake you did - turning away from God as I allowed bitterness to take root in my heart, instead of turning to Him.
I came back to God in proper repentance about four years ago, and have fully rededicated my life to Him since then. It has been the most deeply painful experience of my life. I’ve spent a lot of the past few years in tears of grief. Not because of the painful experiences from my relationship with my husband, as I expect most people would suppose. But because of my sin against God. Because I betrayed God, the one I’d given my whole life to, and had proclaimed to love above all else. It’s a pain like no other I’ve ever experienced. And, although I know the Lord God has forgiven me, I’ve accepted that I may well have pain and sadness about this for the rest of my life – the chastening of the Lord has humbled me and changed me on a deep level which I can’t quite articulate.
Once again, having repented myself at the start of this year, I can relate a great deal to that sense of deep shame over sin against God. There are days when I feel quite utterly disgusted with myself, even though, like you, I know I'm forgiven.
I’ve learned a good number of lessons from my rebellion, but here are some of the major ones:
1. The fear of the Lord, and the holiness of the Lord. “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding.” Proverbs 9:10.
2. I’ve learned to accept the consequences of my choices, and to take full responsibility for my sin. “God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap” Galatians 6:7.
3. I now try to follow God’s word alone, not my own words, thoughts or feelings. I now see the rejection of God’s word as a rejection of God Himself.
These are all excellent and valuable lessons, and ones I have learned as well.
So, after all these years I think I’m now finally starting to live the Christian life in obedient sanctification. It’s deeply saddening to me that I’ve wasted so many years.
I feel a similar sadness that I've spent so much of my life foolishly walking after my own lusts rather than walking in obedience to God. So yet again, very relatable.
I am now generally quite a sober person, in thought, speech, action and appearance, and I believe I now represent the Lord far better than I ever have before to the people around me. The Christian call to sobriety, in general, is a Biblical command that I have learned to truly value over the past few years. “Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:13.
Although I have never been one for alcohol or drugs, there have still been other things that I've got "drunk" on in my life, such as TV shows, pop music, porn and gaming. So I too have had to learn what it is to be truly sober. Another good verse about sobriety is this one:
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8 ) When we're not sober, we can become sitting ducks for the Devil.
I am now also prayerful and thorough in studying doctrine, which is both of major importance and great enjoyment to me. I now try to hold everything up to God’s Word – what I think, feel, believe, see, hear … “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ” 2 Corinthians 10:5.
Too many Christians - even some truly saved ones - are careless about doctrine. This can certainly be true of those Christians who are "newborns" or "toddlers" in the faith. But over time, the Holy Spirit gives us a love for the truth and greater understanding as we apply ourselves more to studying the Word. So I think your love for sound doctrine shows a growing maturity in your faith. I do love that verse about casting down imaginations, especially since my own imagination can still be quite active at times and be inclined to wander into all sorts of areas where it shouldn't. Of course, another great verse when it comes to studying doctrine is this one:
Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. (2 Timothy 2:15)
I think the repentance teaching puts into words what a born-again believer innately understands, though they may not have the words to describe. It’s given me the simple, Biblical language to articulate what seemed so hard to put into words before. I personally think that every professing Christian should hear this teaching.
Agreed. It made quite a difference to me when I came across it in November of 2020.
I now understand that mainstream ‘Christianity’ is riddled with unbiblical teachings and practices, and I suspect that most of the professing Christians I know are not actually born-again. I am introducing myself here as I can see that the people in this community are truly trying to live Biblically sanctified lives, which is rare to find.
It's scary just how far away so-called mainstream Christianity has departed from the Bible. We have definitely entered these times:
For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears; And they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables. (1 Timothy 4:3-4) There's just no love for the truth anymore, and even an outright hostility to it among many so-called Christian churches today. As you say, it is rare to find people who are born again and trying to live sanctified lives. I suppose it's been rare in any age, really, but it seems especially rare now. So once again, a very hearty welcome to you.
