That was then, This is now. A life so changed.

[Benjamin]

Just my reintroduction and testimony for what it's worth. I've been in the Church since 2016.

I love you wife

What attitude! What grace! Look at this new streamlined body! It's going to my head! I got it. I just want to party. I wonder how fast I can go!!!!!!! Fresh attitude, blond steaks, man I got it all!

Let's run this puppy on alcohol and see what happens! I bet I can double my speed! Let's throw some black paint around those hazel blue head lights! WOW, SEXY! Whoops, don't forget to brush that grill clean. While I'm at it, I think I'll shave and pluck a wax job.

Dazzling!

Wow this paint job is tight! I can barely button it. Throw on some sexy accessories and some scent and I'm ready to take to the roads of life!!!! I'm going to push it further than I ever have!

Faster, faster!

See, looking good!

Even the guys like this hot rod!

I'm swinging through these curvy roads doing a 150 mph!

COME ON, LET'S GO, FASTER, FASTER! The hell with the consequences! I only live once! There is no tomorrow! It's the end of the world! The processor is over clocked running at top speed! WOW, look at those graphics! OOOO, that person is hot! I'm going to let this person take this hot rod for a spin! Man, you sure handle this beautifully. Take me out and open it up and see how tricked out this ride can be!

Wham it to the left, wham it to the right! We're going to party tonight!!!!

What's that up ahead?

STOP!!!!!

CRASH!



Off the ravine I go flipping and tumbling, emotional debris flying everywhere upon each bash of the rocks on the way down.

OH CRAP! There goes the heart bursting into flames.

Finally coming to a rest at the depth of this ravine, with emotional debris scattered everywhere around this hot rod. The flaming heart ignites an explosion of deep sadness.

I lay with my mind and soul all broken up at the bottom of this ravine with my thoughts all tattered and frayed. There's an eerie silence as the flames smolder themselves out.

I lay there looking up at the full moon through my busted soul with blood streaming down my face. I can feel my life slipping away. I'm paralyzed; no one knows I'm here. I'm actually dying!

My broken mind starts throwing all kind of memories and regrets in my heart.

Pour the darn salt in the wounds why don't you.

Man, I sure wish I was sitting at home with my wife and family.

I sure wish I could have been a better husband.

I cheated on my wife with men, and yet she gave me endless love.

I never spent enough time with her; I never showed her enough love.

I failed my daughter because I was too much within myself to even care.

I'll never get a chance again to take my grandson fishing.

GOD, PLEASE GIVE ME ONE MORE SHOT! I promise I can make it work! Not like this, not now, please god!

All I did was spend the weekends speeding with alcohol, AND NOW IT'S OVER.

I'm dying with no way to tell her I'm sorry.

I'm dying, and I never told her how much I love her.

I'm dying and there's no way to mend broken hearts that I broke.

What a way to go.

What a way to be remembered, as the cause of chaos and heartbreak.

I can't go back now because I'm going to die in this ravine and no one knows I'm down here.

Why didn't I spend more time with my grandson?

Why the hell did I get so selfish and only think of myself?

I know if I could have one more chance to live I could make a difference!

I'm going to die and there's nothing I can do to walk away from this accident.

I'm getting so cold.

It's freezing!

My god this pain is unbearable!

All I can think of is laying my wife on a bed of roses and making passionate love to her.

Just to hold her one more time.

I just want to run my finger gently across her eyebrow one more time.

God, please at least give me that!

As I enter the deeper stages of death, I begin to realize that most of the complaining I did throughout my life was over nothing at all.

All the whining and complaining didn't get me anywhere.

I guess it doesn't matter now.

It's over now, there is no coming back, I should have been a better person, husband, father and grandfather when I had time on my side and I just threw it all away.

My heart is fluttering and skipping beats!

My chest feels so tight!

God I feel so cold!

WIFE, I LOV.......

(1-19-2008)

One more drink to ease the pain.

Some may have a chuckle, calling my sorrow a lack of faith, I doubt they have ever faced true sadness fighting to live bare knuckles.

Tonight my ship sinks to the bottom of a beer can, wondering where I went wrong as a man.

Thoughts I cannot defend, broken hearts I feel powerless to mend, some days I wish life for me would just end.

But tonight I shall be comfortably numb, just like a rock, DUMB.

The storms of alcohol use has shifted gears, it no longer brings me joy, just hot tears.

For I can't bring back the ignorance of yesterday, I know too much now, there is no excuse nor nothing left to say.

Sometimes it feels like a heart break custom made just for me, feeling alone in a house full of people lost inside of me, you see?

Sometimes I even wonder if I dug far too deep, I can't find my way home, like a lost sheep.

I have far to much wisdom now, I can no longer lie to myself, I hope soon to walk off the stage of life and take a final bow.

For tomorrow doubled be my sorrow, a price of one night, numbness only borrowed.

God put eternity into my mind, I'm not suicidal, peace is my job to find.

 

Behind These Eyes

Behind these eyes, you can't see my pain.

Will my broken soul always be maimed?

Behind these eyes, reside thoughts I cannot defend.

Will there ever come a day when my broken heart will mend?

Behind these eyes, reside thoughts I cannot comprehend.

If I ever did, it would be a god send!

Behind these eyes, sometimes lives a lonely girl.

But she's often locked away because of this cruel world!

Behind these eyes, I feel so divided.

It's as if heaven and hell somehow collided!

Behind these eyes, there's the perfect storm.

Ripping my heart out since the day I was born!

Behind these eyes, sits a scarred brain.

I truly believe the other side shall remain!

Behind these eyes, you can't see me mourning.

When my female side takes control without warning.

Behind these eyes, you don't see my straight side go down the hatch!

For with her, I'm powerless to her power and I am no match!

Behind these eyes, you can't see her screaming for more!

She is a force that you can't ignore!

Behind these eyes, you may see a whore.

But hate will be your own demise and settle the score!

So as I write this poem for a hollow man, I pray to you Christ, forgive me and lend me a hand!

And as you look into my eyes thinking my mind is fried, just keep one
thing in mind, I WILL NOT BE DENIED! (1-9-2008)

That was then.

This is now.

My life hasn't been flipped upside down, but rather right side up. I moved from my so called home in Michigan and lost many material possessions in the process and almost my sanity. But all of it I am so grateful for because it was what was needed to clean out my life for the Lord Jesus Christ. I still have sin I struggle with like gluttony and covetousness just to name a couple.

I'm hear to bear witness that peace can be found for the repentant heart in Jesus Christ.

Christopher and His family has graciously opened their doors to me and moved me to Indiana to be with the ministry. I don't own much and am in a small room at the moment, but I've come to enjoy not owning much and being a minimalist. I have found the less I own the better my soul rests. It's a concept of satisfaction and gratitude with what I have and I pray the Lord keeps me on this path.

The place I came from was debauchery and misery. The thing is I helped create all that misery, now my sorrow is likened to a worm that slumbereth not.

I have lived a life without God in sin, perversion and debauchery, and I and my family have paid the price mostly (In my opinion) because of my failure as a Husband, father and grandfather. A husband and father is supposed to lead the wife and family unit to Jesus Christ. I didn't do that. I was a perverted bi-sexual, male to female transgender sodomite that reveled in my shame and debauchery thinking I was so sexy and intelligent. I'm here to tell you I'm a nobody that deserves the sorrow I face and the lake of fire for my transgressions of the Law of God.

I lived a very selfish life as a weekend drunkard who regarded not the things of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ nor did I take into consideration the damage I was doing to my wife and family because I was steeped in selfishness in many ways but especially with my time.

My wife now lays in a hospital, permanently as far as I can tell do to complications of diabetes, COPD and Kidney failure. I take my part in responsibility for that because even though I was in the home, most of the time, I wasn't there as a good husband should be. I didn't lead. I miss my wife so much. It pains me to my core to think of all the times I sat by myself in a drunken oblivion crying because I didn't have a vagina or some other perverted thing my imagination wanted to conjure up when my wife is in the next room. How many times I could have put that aside to be with her, and didn't, now I can't.

My daughter turned out to be a low self esteem fornicator. She dates men that she ought not to, they have all been swine. Including the pig she is with right now that has tried his best to bear false witness against me to have me thrown in prison. She has three kids that will more than likely be swallowed up by the world because she isn't there for them emotionally. Financially, yes, but she's not a good mother at all by Biblical standards. And why would she be? When she had a father who put on makeup and dressed in woman's clothing on the weekends going to nightclubs with her. I failed her as well and she's is reaping the rewards of my wickedness.

Want to know how pathetic I am? Those writings above were almost prophesy, yet I carried on till 2015. Dying inside a slow painful death. I had no where left to go in my mind. My sinful wicked ways were engulfing my heart set for destruction. I drank, I committed adultery with both men and women, I smoked pot, I hated my neighbor, I new nothing of biblical charity. My destruction was at hand. I began to see the finer and more subtle things in life, meaning I was seeing on a micro level the destruction I had caused and was continuing to cause. I even had to trash most of my former writings because of the fear of what it was doing to people.

How many people have I lead away from God with my pathetic rhetoric, whining and carrying on about tolerance for the transgenders and tolerance for pride and sin. I can't even repeat some of the down and dirty filth I used to write. I had to stop. I wished myself death. I hated myself then and I hate myself now and can't trust my own heart. God has forgiven me, but I don't think I bring myself to forgive me.

Was it God giving me repentance through my own writing? I'm afraid to say yes because I don't want to blaspheme Him.

There is an age of accountability, my wife and daughter will be held accountable in this life, reaping what they have sown. Meaning I don't take all the blame, but I accept a good chunk of it because I failed as a family unit leader. I can only preach the truth to them now in dire hopes they repent and won't have to be held accountable by God when they die.

Since 2014 I have really dug in and did my best to turn things around to no avail. The trailer we lived in was always a mess and dumpy. There was no peace to be had when the kids were allowed to fight and argue over trivial things kids fight about. There was no Godly correction from my daughter, only scorn has she shown those children. And part of that was from me also because I didn't have a lot of patience with children. It's kind of hard to work on things when everyone in the house isn't on the same page.

What else could I do?

I left.

So now you're probably wondering why I claim to have peace, yet my sorrow is ever present. Well, it's something you have to know. It's not something I believe can be imagined. I'm in peace because the Lord Jesus Christ gave me the ability to acknowledge the absolute truth of His word and the sin in my life. The world teaches against shame and sorrow, but I say nay (In agreement with the scriptures).

Ecclesiastes 7:2-4 King James Version (KJV)

2 It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart.
3 Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.
4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.

When one is Born again in Christ who is the author and finisher of the faith, nothing can break that connection and all the sorrows, fear and worldly things begin to fade away because it is then you are sanctified from the world in the spirit and have promise of eternal life and paradise once we give up the ghost and leave our fleshly vessels. The sorrow is still there but it's a healthy sorrow. We should sorrow and be ashamed for the wickedness we have all committed before God who I might add has been long suffering. Like I said, I can't rightly explain it, you have to repent and see it for yourself.

Had it not been for Jesus Christ, I don't even want to imagine where I would be at now. It's been a life so changed. Thank you Christ for hearing my cries and showing me undeserving mercy.

[Jeanne]

Thanks for sharing your story, Ben, and praise the Lord Jesus Christ for bringing you out of that pit!

But I can hear the music you were listening to coming through your old writings.

Bat Out of Hell -- Meat Loaf
Nights in White Satin -- Moody Blues
Comfortably Numb -- Pink Floyd
Behind Blue Eyes -- The Who

I hate to admit that I actually still like that type of music, though I try not to listen to it anymore because I know where it all comes from. Those last three, in particular, were always some of my favourites and I used to listen to them over and over and over again. And now they'll probably be stuck in my head for the next week...

[Dee Babbitt]

Ben, thank you so much for your testimony. 

Because of everything you have experienced, you have an intricate knowledge of what many people are suffering with; they are confused and not really happy.  None of us were happy when we don't have God in our life, and we were sinning against Him.

You have been given a gift of writing, and I believe God will use you. 
You will be able to witness and to help the many people who are unhappy in their sinful lifestyle.

Thanks be to God, He brought you to repentance. 
Thanks be to God, He brought all of us (in our church) to repentance.

God Bless You :-)

[TheChickenWhisperer]

Wow Ben.  Praise God that you have a new life in Him!  Thank you for sharing those powerful images from your life.

[MorgananAntoinette]

 Ben, thank you. Your candidness and ability to convey what God has put into your heart as wisdom and understanding on pain in sin was SO profoundly moving. You clearly were given Godly knowledge of transgressions and how far from God’s sight we are in those choices. I was moved to tears to see the vulnerability, and conversely, the strength you wrote with. That transparency is rare and helps others (including myself), take a closer and more honest look at our own lives, our own perspectives and views of ourselves, more of how God would look upon us... And that can be so disturbing! However, we know that facing those demons, those broken, sinful choices and slew of messed up lies we have all sought out and put on is the ONLY way to start a walk towards repentance with our Creator, our Father.
 In reading your words and being privy to your testimony and views, I am renewed in my determination to also remain transparent, examining and careful in this converted-cum-born again life that Jesus died to provide. I will heed your learned lessons and apply the knowledge and insights you shared to my own walk and pray with gratitude for people like you who encourage and remain faithful, leading by honest example and unflinching truth of the only path to peace: Repentance in sincerity, before God and all others. I appreciate hearing your account and pray this finds you renewed day by day in the awareness God’s peace brings through the necessary yet heavy suffering we deal with after rejecting sin and getting a taste of the pain and death it brings us. God bless you Ben.
-Morgan

But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.”
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:10‬ ‭KJV‬‬

[creationliberty]

You'll have to pay attention to the dates these were posted. This thread was from over four years ago. The man you're speaking to (Ben), we had to remove him from our church due to the contention he was causing, as well as an assortment of other sins that are not appropriate to speak of here, all of which he had no repentance. Perhaps what he wrote is moving to some people who might read it, but to those of us who know him, we see it very differently.

[MorgananAntoinette]

 Thank you for that info and explanation on what to look for here before replying to a post. I did notice the older post date and that of the previous replies, but wasn’t aware of these other details. As a new member here, I searched for posts relating to ‘kidney failure’ and Ben’s post came up. I thought even a reply years later might be of encouragement and obviously wouldn’t have known those issues about him as I am fresh on the scene.  Thank you for helping me see how to better seek out pertinent info on members and their statuses within this body of believers before I reply to just any ol’ post. I am glad to now know the individual responsibility of searching whether someone is banned or not, currently still present in the body, or in a certain standing here, lies with me, the individual, when replying. I appreciate the learning opportunity and the insights presented.